Out of sync in the bedroom? Try a cup of tea
Differences in libido levels can feel daunting, but they can also be an opportunity for deeper intimacy
Ever felt like you and your partner(s) aren’t quite on the same page when it comes to sex? Maybe one of you is always ready, while another just isn’t feeling it? This is what’s known as mismatched libidos, and it’s a common, yet often unspoken issue in all kinds of relationships — whether monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between.
But here’s the good news: mismatched desire doesn’t mean your connection is doomed. In fact, it can open the door to new levels of communication and intimacy.
According to somatic sexuality practitioner Georgie Blewett, mismatched libido happens when partners experience sexual desire at different levels or frequencies. "Many people think this is a problem or something to worry about, but it’s not and it doesn't have to be,” Blewett told Pillow Talk. “There are ways to create intimacy, even when two people have differing levels of sexual desire.”
The science of desire: spontaneous vs. responsive
Understanding mismatched libidos hinges on the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire. Spontaneous desire occurs when sexual interest arises suddenly, without much external stimulation. In contrast, responsive desire is more about responding to physical or emotional cues, such as touch, intimacy, or even a shared experience, before feeling the urge for sex.
“One common misconception is that spontaneous desire is the only legitimate way to be turned on and it just isn’t true,” Blewett said. "Many of us experience responsive desire, which often requires a bit more build-up or connection."
A great way to look at it is through the concept of ongoing foreplay. “I love the quote, ‘Foreplay starts the minute sex stops’. It’s about putting intention and consciousness into your eroticism, sexuality, and intimacy,” Blewett added.
This understanding aligns with the work of Dr. Rosemary Basson, a leading figure in sexual health research, who has significantly advanced our comprehension of how desire operates. Through her Circular Model of Sexual Response, Basson illustrated that sexual arousal is not always linear and can be influenced by a variety of factors, including emotional intimacy and relationship dynamics. Her research indicated that many individuals — especially in long-term relationships — often find that their desire is more responsive than spontaneous.
Recognising this difference is key. Studies suggest that a lot of people in longer-term relationships are having less frequent sex. Embracing these variations can lead to better communication and deeper intimacy, helping partners bridge the gap of mismatched libidos.
Why communication is everything
One of the biggest challenges with mismatched libidos is the tendency to avoid discussing it out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings or creating tension. However, having open and honest conversations is key to resolving desire imbalances.
"I always recommend setting ground rules before having intimate conversations,” Blewett advised, “like agreeing on no judgment, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, and understanding that no one person can meet all of your needs — nor can you meet all of theirs.”
In polyamorous relationships, this might mean checking in with each partner individually to ensure everyone feels heard. Take, for example, a partner who may have a lower libido; they might feel pressured to keep up with another partner’s needs, while the higher-libido partner might feel ignored. Having dedicated conversations with each partner helps manage these expectations.
Research backs this up. Couples and polycules who openly discuss their sexual needs and frustrations are more likely to find solutions that satisfy everyone involved. Honest communication reduces tension and fosters emotional closeness, which in turn can boost physical intimacy.
Practical Tip: One effective tool Blewett suggests is pleasure mapping — figuring out what makes you feel good and sharing that with your partner(s). This might include noticing what non-sexual acts — like cuddling, flirting, or even having a cup of tea together — help you feel more connected. “You might try new things and notice, "Hey, when I was masturbating, I liked the feeling of a rose near my nose — it made me feel sensual." Little discoveries like that can help,” Blewett said.
Balancing needs in multi-partner relationships
In relationships with more than one partner, mismatched libidos can become even more complex. For instance, if you’re in a polyamorous dynamic, one partner may have a higher libido while another needs more emotional connection before sex. It’s essential to check in regularly and adjust expectations.
“When we talk about mismatched libidos, people often focus on the partner with lower libido, but those with higher libido can feel really hurt too,” Blewett explained. “They might feel like their partner isn’t attracted to them or doesn’t want an intimate relationship, which can be shaming, even if it’s not true. It’s important to find ways to make the higher-libido partner feel attractive and desired as well.”
Ensuring your partner(s) feels seen, desired, and understood — whether sexually or emotionally — is critical.
External factors that affect libido
Several external factors can impact libido beyond relationship dynamics. Stress and trauma, for example, can dampen sexual desire or, in some cases, increase it as a form of escapism.
Body image is another significant factor that often impacts sexual desire, particularly for individuals who feel pressured to meet societal standards. Whether it’s the pressure to be thin or muscular, negative self-image can drastically affect how comfortable a person feels in intimate moments. “With all the cultural messaging about needing to be super thin, buff, or fit some idealised body type, it can really mess with our desire,” said Blewett.
Focusing on emotional needs — what Blewett calls core desires — is essential. Partners can work together to explore the emotions they want to experience during sex, including feeling celebrated, empowered, or even degraded.
Practical steps to bridge the gap
Navigating mismatched libidos requires flexibility, experimentation, and open communication. Here are some practical steps to consider:
Explore non-sexual intimacy: Engage in cuddling, share meaningful conversations, or participate in activities that bring you closer emotionally. These connections can foster safety and closeness, which are crucial for those who experience responsive desire.
Mind your language: How you talk about sexual needs matters. Use “I” statements — like “I feel disconnected when we don’t have time for intimacy” —to lower the emotional charge and keep conversations open. Don’t forget, though, as Blewett said: “Relationships aren’t about having perfectly neutral conversations all the time; emotions are part of the process.”
Be open to experimentation: Try new activities together, whether that’s visiting a new place or exploring different forms of intimacy. This could mean trying non-traditional date nights, joint relaxation exercises, or even different types of touch that don’t lead directly to sex. Experimentation creates opportunities for bonding and understanding.
Interested in learning more? Join our workshop on mismatched libidos
📌The Dream Machine 📆 17 October 💸 Free! ⏰6.30-8.30pm
If mismatched libidos resonate with your experiences, consider joining our upcoming workshop, led by Georgie Blewett. We’ll explore practical ways to navigate differences in sexual desire, open to all genders and relationship structures. The session will offer insights into core desires, communication tools, and exercises to enhance intimacy and understanding.
Join us in Glasgow for our next reading group 🍒
📌Glasgow Zine Library 📆 29 October 💸 Free! ⏰7-8.30pm
The Sex Positive Reading Group is for anyone interested in learning more about sex education, sexual health, how we relate to the people around us, and how society impacts that. We welcome people of all genders, sexualities and ages in a non-pressured, non-academic setting.
This month, we are venturing into Want: Sexual Fantasies by Anonymous, as collected by Gillian Anderson.
This reading group is a mixed space, i.e. it welcomes both straight and queer people, just so you know what (and whom) to expect when joining us.
If you have accessibility requests or other queries, send us an email at events@pillowtalk.scot.
Other spicy (and cuddly) events happening soon🌶️
Scottish Mental Health Arts Festival. 4-27 October, Glasgow.
Desire Dynamics: Understanding Mismatched Libidos. 17 October, Glasgow.
Imagining Digital Futures and Sexual Health. 18 October, Glasgow.
Shadowbanter. Lunch & rant about social media moderation. 26 October, Edinburgh.
Sex Positive Reading Group. 29 October, Glasgow.
The Politics of Numbers: Queer Data and the Counting of LGBTQ Communities. 30 October, Edinburgh.
Stories of Renaissance ‘Witches’. 31 October, Edinburgh.
Are you hosting or have you spotted an event about sex, relationships, feminism, and other related topics that we have missed (especially outside of the Central Belt)? Send it to us at events@pillowtalk.scot!
The purpose of Pillow Talk Scotland is to provide information. You must not rely on the information on this newsletter as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other healthcare professional. You must always consult your doctor or healthcare professional if you have any concerns about your medical condition, diagnosis or treatment. Pillow Talk Scotland is not responsible or liable, directly or indirectly, for any damages resulting from the use of information contained within this site. If you have a complaint or wish to report any inaccuracies, you can email us at contact@pillowtalk.scot.
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