Things We Don’t Talk About
What if you asked your friends to write you a postcard from the sexual health clinic?
Content note: ‘Things We Don’t Talk About’ is a postcard series that draws out personal experiences of navigating sexual healthcare in the UK. These testimonies do not claim to be reflective of everyone’s experiences. For instance, in this piece, all the contributors identify as cis women. This piece contains reference to experiences of sexual and reproductive health appointments, STD testing, and genitals which some readers may find distressing. Throughout this piece, pseudonyms are used.
Social media platforms, TV, pop culture, and media have played a significant role in normalising the rise of sex education and sex positivity. With this evolution, I anticipated a similar normalising and awareness of sexual healthcare.
In reality, I quickly grew surprised by the silence I saw in my day-to-day surrounding this aspect of health. Unlike mentioning an appointment to the doctor or a visit to the dentist — appointments that slip easily in and out of a conversation — there seemed to be some unsaid rules about disclosing sexual healthcare check-ups.
My experiences led me to a rabbit hole of research and a series of conversations with friends.
Following a personal exercise of writing a letter to myself of my own experiences, putting it into an envelope, and hiding it away somewhere forgettable, I felt an overall calm. As a sucker for some good ol’ written reflections, I found this a helpful space that offered a telling of a story I wasn’t sure where to put, a distancing, as well as an acknowledgement of my experiences.
This led me to invite five friends to write a postcard to themselves, similarly responding to the prompt ‘Things we don’t talk about.’ Here’s what they said.
“I suffer with vaginismus (whenever penetration is attempted your vaginal muscles tighten up on their own), even though it hasn’t officially been diagnosed, I have all the symptoms. When going to a sexual health appointment seeking health, I got dismissed and told to use more lube during sex as physically everything is working normally.” – Jaz
“The confusion of feeling both grateful for the service and uncomfortable with the physical and emotional probing…” – Srta Quemar
“After receiving the second NHS letter in the post reminding me to get a cervical smear, my first, I decided to stop procrastinating and just do it. My appointment was scheduled for 8:55 am. The nurse was really nice and told me she’d been in this profession for over 20 years. I felt reassured. The cold, metal speculum was inserted, bringing with it a shocking pain, swirling for just a little too long, before it was removed alongside encouraging words from the nurse. We said goodbye and she gave me the comforting news that I wouldn’t have to repeat this for another 3 years. At 9:20 am, I was finished. I stopped at the shops to buy myself a rare Snickers bar treat, fighting tears, proud of myself for attending to my health, confused by the invasion I felt. By 10 am, I arrived at work, put on a smile and continued as normal.” – Mina
“I submitted an online form rather than call the GP about unusually coloured discharge. The GP called me in the end — when I was at work! Luckily I wasn’t dying but it is easy to become a hypochondriac after searching your symptoms. I had to take the swab test in the disabled loo. Test came back as expected.” – Hal
“I recently went to a sexual health clinic for an STD test. I wanted to get a swab and a blood test done. The clinic was in a hospital in a quiet place, so there was only one other person in the waiting room and I was called in quickly. Using the vaginal swab was fairly straightforward, but when the nurse tried to take my blood, he couldn’t find my vein. After a couple of attempts I agreed to do it at home. The package arrived in a couple of days, and despite getting blood all over the bathroom sink it was a relatively easy experience. Overall, the experience was overwhelmingly positive — I was grateful that I could make it to a clinic — free of charge — and to be given a safe space to share my concerns. It’s reassuring to know that these services are available.” – Rae
Taking a step back from my research spiral to take in these postcards, I pondered both my own and the experiences of my postcard contributors. Admittedly, two of us didn’t grow up in the UK, so our models of sex education and SRH (sexual and reproductive health) awareness may look a little different. Regardless, we all fall into a generation navigating our individual experiences of sexual healthcare in a UK context. Ultimately, I sense that the sexual health landscape in the UK is shifting in incremental waves, backward depending on what serves the appetite of those in power, forward with the increase of resources publicly available online, and so on. I feel optimistic about our generation’s malleability to independently and collectively plug the holes in curriculum-bound education systems.
“The place in which I’ll fit will not exist until I create it.”
— James Baldwin
The postcards from my friends made me feel less alone already in my own experiences. From the silent waiting rooms, occasional medical mishaps, and self-trust in listening to how your body feels — to the safe spaces for concerns, availability of sexual health services, and disastrous Googling of symptoms. In my continued learning of sexual healthcare, I feel encouraged to continue creating places that speak about the “unspoken” to lessen my own, and hopefully, others’ potential for isolating experiences, feelings of shame, and disempowerment.
If any of these experiences stand out to you and you’d like to contribute your experiences of navigating personal sexual healthcare to the conversation with Pillow Talk, you can write your own postcard responding to the prompt ‘Things We Don’t Talk About’. It can be as personal or impersonal as you feel comfortable sharing. After you’ve completed your postcard, can you take a picture of it and email it to pillowtalkscotland@gmail.com?
All postcards have been designed by Zekia Salmon-Hall.
Join us in Glasgow for our next reading group 🍒
📌Glasgow Zine Library 📆 30 April 💸 Free! ⏰7-8.30pm
The Sex Positive Reading Group is for anyone interested in learning more about sex education, sexual health, how we relate to the people around us, and how society impacts that. We welcome people of all genders, sexualities and ages in a non-pressured, non-academic setting.
Reading materials will be provided (you can find all our reads here) and we'll be discussing one chapter per book: we want anyone to feel and be able to participate! If you have accessibility requests or other queries, send us an email at pillowtalkscotland@gmail.com.
This reading group is a mixed space, i.e. it welcomes both straight and queer people, just so you know what (and whom) to expect when joining us.
Other spicy events happening soon🌶️
The Unjustness of Just: a space for women to share their stories. 7 April, Glasgow.
Sex & Drugs & all that Jazz (or How to crochet your way to health). A lecture by Professor Jamie Frankis. 9 April, Glasgow.
Consent and Boundaries Workshop (course). 16 Apr - 21 May, Glasgow.
Book Launch: Shane Strachan. 25 April, Glasgow.
Which period product is best for me? 25 April, online.
Breast Quilt as part of the Comfort exhibition. 1st February to 18th April, Glasgow.
The purpose of Pillow Talk Scotland is to provide information. You must not rely on the information on this newsletter as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other healthcare professional. You must always consult your doctor or healthcare professional if you have any concerns about your medical condition, diagnosis or treatment. Pillow Talk Scotland is not responsible or liable, directly or indirectly, for any damages resulting from the use of information contained within this site. If you have a complaint or wish to report any inaccuracies, you can email us at pillowtalkscotland@gmail.com
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