Somatic sex therapy: Q&A with Emily King
What if the key to your healing lay in your body?
Self-care note: This newsletter includes mentions of intercourse, genitals, and trauma. If you find this distressing or triggering, remember to take it at your own pace. You may prefer to read small sections, wait until you feel ready to read it all, or choose not to read it at all.
One of the things that makes being part of Pillow Talk so rewarding is getting to meet some extraordinary folks. Whether it's the lovely bunch that gathers for our monthly Sex Positive Reading Group, or the volunteers who infuse this space with warmth and kindness, each connection has been a treasure trove that has enriched my life.
And speaking of enriching connections, allow me to introduce Emily King. Emily is an Irish somatic sex and relationships therapist based in Edinburgh. This week, she chatted with me about her work – read on to find out what she shared.
IP: What is somatic sex therapy?
EK: Somatic sex therapy merges somatics, or awareness of the body, with sexology, the study of human sexuality. Where clinical sexology takes a psychological approach, somatic sexology takes an embodied approach to sex as it seeks to establish a strong mind-body connection. Somatic sexologists may use touch-based practice, like myself, to support clients in being with the body, physically and emotionally.
IP: What can you get from somatic therapy that you wouldn't get from talk therapy?
EK: If an issue manifests in the body rather than the mind, then somatic therapy can address it. Often what is happening in the mind is symptomatic of what is happening in the body and nervous system. If people feel they are stuck in a loop or a cycle of behaviour and experiences and say things like, “I know this isn’t good for me but I can’t seem to stop it”, or “I want this to happen but it’s like my body won’t allow it”, then I suggest seeking out a body-based approach. Somatic therapy can support you on a cellular level rather than only supporting you to gather cognitive, intellectual insight into your behaviour and experiences.
IP: How did you get into it?
EK: I knew I wanted to pursue a therapeutic career but hadn’t actually heard of somatic therapy until 2021. I had been working in the gender based violence sector for a year and a half and was supporting a lot of what I now call “over-therapised” women. Women who had been accessing mental health services and psychological therapy for decades but who were still struggling to function due to trauma. These women were extremely intelligent and had huge insight into why they felt as they did but this cognitive awareness didn’t overly contribute to any change in their wellbeing. It was clear something was missing from this purely psychological approach, and that’s when I began searching for what that could be. Thanks to Google I came to learn about a somatic, body-based approach.
IP: What are the most common misconceptions about somatic therapy?
EK:
That it’s ‘woo-woo’. It’s fully based on neuroscience, which means it is one of the most effective ways of working with trauma and stress. We are a very singular species in our understanding, so anything that falls outside of the traditional talk therapy route is often perceived as ‘woo’.
That there’s no talking whatsoever. Most sessions involve talking, talking that focuses on the lens of the body rather than the mind.
That one session can ‘fix’ all of your troubles. Somatic work in its essence is a lifestyle. Our culture of immediacy has us associating big emotional releases with success, but this isn’t a safe approach. I encourage my clients to do 2-5 minutes a day of somatic practice, choosing particular exercises that feel accessible and realistic for them. When we work in this way shifts can happen so gradually that you may even miss them. Often my clients will reflect on their experiences and acknowledge that they feel very different but they don’t really know when it happened. This means change is sustainable. If you approach somatic work with a mindset wherein your body is the problem, change isn’t going to happen, so we would address the mindset first.
IP: Do you have any favourite practices for body and mental wellbeing?
EK: My favourite practices are built around mindfulness, touch and movement. My absolute favourite is genital mapping which is a practice of exploring the vulva and the vagina - or penis if that’s how you’re built! - and to listen through touch. This is a really important practice for me to maintain a connection with my body and to give space for any emotions or pain points to be felt and processed. It’s also an effective way of re-sensitising the genitals which means more pleasure!
IP: What's a moment you treasure from your work so far?
EK: Probably the moment when a dissociative client is able to feel, sometimes for the first time in years or months. When working with clients who dissociate I take it more slowly and steadily than you can imagine as it is the feeling that can be the trigger itself. Witnessing them move their body, letting it lead and express, and then seeing a wave of emotion move through them, from crying, to laughter, to gratitude, is wonderful. The relief is palpable. The recognition that they feel alive again, even if they are experiencing tricky emotions, they feel lucky to be able to feel.
IP: How has practising somatic therapy affected your own relationship to your body?
EK: Too many ways to mention. Somatic sexology training is truly one of the most emotionally challenging things I have done, and it has left a lasting impact on my body and how I relate with others. I let my body lead and reflect on its capacity rather than letting the mind tell me what I should do. My life feels slower. My orgasms have also never been better. This is not to say everything is perfect and smooth sailing. As long as you’re living in a human body, this will never be the case. Embodiment makes us more acutely aware of difficult emotions for example, so when you have greater capacity to feel, you feel more. Many people actually feel like ‘they’re getting worse!’ when working with embodiment because you’re allowing emotional experiences that you would previously suppress. Being able to allow the chaos and trust that your body knows how to move through it is really about radical acceptance for me.
IP: What advice would you give to someone looking to receive somatic therapy?
EK: Try it before you feel like you have no other option. Many of my clients fall into the over-therapised category and they have accessed somatic sexology as a kind of last resort. “I’ve tried everything!” Yet they come to realise they wish they’d given it a go sooner. Reflect on whether you want a clinical practitioner with a background in clinical psychotherapy practice but with a somatic approach, or whether a more hands-on, less boundaried approach feels better. When choosing a practitioner the most important thing is how you feel in their presence. The relationship and connection you are able to cultivate with a somatic therapist - any therapist - will be the most important aspect of the work you do together.
You can find out more about Emily and her work at emilykingsextherapist.org and on Instagram.
Join us in Glasgow for our next reading group 🍒
📌Glasgow Zine Library 📆 30 April 💸 Free! ⏰7-8.30pm
The Sex Positive Reading Group is for anyone interested in learning more about sex education, sexual health, how we relate to the people around us, and how society impacts that. We welcome people of all genders, sexualities and ages in a non-pressured, non-academic setting.
This month we are reading an extract from Losing It: Dispelling the Sex Myths That Rule Our Lives by Sophia Smith Galer. We will be reading the chapter on virility, which you can find here.
This reading group is a mixed space, i.e. it welcomes both straight and queer people, just so you know what (and whom) to expect when joining us.
If you have accessibility requests or other queries, send us an email at pillowtalkscotland@gmail.com.
Other spicy events happening soon🌶️
Feminist Book Club. May 7, Glasgow.
Queer Film Night & UoE Staff Pride Network screening: Framing Agnes. May 7, Edinburgh.
Feminist Filmmaking in Cuba, Catalunya and Glasgow. May 8, Glasgow.
Intimate Lives: The History of Sex and Desire in Edinburgh's Old Town. May 10, Edinburgh.
DunFem Book Club. May 10, Dunfermline.
The Psychology of Fetish and Kink with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. May 16, Glasgow.
BAND IT LIKE BECKHAM! Porty Queer Footie Fundraiser. May 31, Leith.
The purpose of Pillow Talk Scotland is to provide information. You must not rely on the information on this newsletter as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other healthcare professional. You must always consult your doctor or healthcare professional if you have any concerns about your medical condition, diagnosis or treatment. Pillow Talk Scotland is not responsible or liable, directly or indirectly, for any damages resulting from the use of information contained within this site. If you have a complaint or wish to report any inaccuracies, you can email us at pillowtalkscotland@gmail.com
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